Are you wondering how to encourage independent play for your kids? They just won’t play by themselves, will they?
During covid, you were stuck at home for months! Working from home, homeschooling…and things are finally starting to return to normal.
But it’s been a long couple of years, hasn’t it, momma? And during this time, our kids have been driving us nuts!!
I know this because I was asked to speak – more than once – about how to encourage independent play during those early months.
We needed our kids to play by themselves so that we can get some work done!!
But how do we teach kids to play by themselves?
In this post, I’ll not only show you how, but I’ll also show you why it’s so important – it helps us to get stuff done, yes, but independent play is very good for your child’s development, as well.
Why we need our kids to learn how to play by themselves
Let’s face it – I’m an older mom. 😂🤣
And I grew up in a different era than what our kids are living in today.
I grew up playing by myself – or with my siblings – all day long. Without our parents. They rarely played with us.
I can count on the one hand the times my dad played with us, and on the other hand the times my mom played with us. And don’t get me wrong – those were amazing times!! Wonderful memories that I cherish, to this day.
But my parents – and yours too, if you are from my generation – did not feel the need to play with us. And we, as a society, moved from never playing with our kids to almost teetering on over-stimulating our kids.
We need our kids to learn how to play by themselves because kids today are overstimulated
Our kids have very little downtime. They have learned how to constantly be on the go and how to constantly have something entertaining them in some way, shape, or form.
We keep our kids constantly busy by:
- playing with or entertaining them all day
- providing them with crafts, hobbies, and other stimulating activities
- enrolling them in a lot of extra-curricular activities
It’s a far cry from the long, lazy days of summer I grew up in, where you spent the whole day at home playing outside in the sun. All by yourself. (Or with your siblings.)
We need our kids to learn how to play by themselves because today’s moms feel guilty if they don’t provide constant stimulation for their children
Moms feel like they are being bad moms somehow if they aren’t giving their kids constant attention. Like there is some skill or lesson they should be teaching right now if they see their child off playing by themselves. And they feel the need to intervene.
So, they find something for their child to do; another craft or activity. And it requires mom’s help, mom to be there, teaching this new thing, assisting or supervising.
But what happens if moms continuously provide opportunities for their children?
What happens if you set your child up with play dates all of the time? Or if your child is enrolled in tons of clubs and activities?
What happens if, at home, you have a rigid schedule full of crafts, activities, and learning experiences? Or if you constantly play with or entertain your children?
You rob your child of the opportunity to learn some very important, basic skills if you don’t let them play by themselves once in a while
If you overstimulate your child and feel the need to constantly entertain your child, you will harm your child’s development. This really is an oxymoron, because most moms aren’t trying to harm their child’s development…they are trying to teach and instill important skills during those moments!
But a little bit goes a long way…
And too much of a good thing is not good…
If you never allow your children to entertain themselves, you will suddenly find that your children:
⇢ Cannot think for themselves
They will lose all ability to make their own decisions because they are used to someone else just telling them what to do.
⇢ Cannot entertain themselves
Your kids aren’t used to unstructured free time, and so they are at a loss for what to do. They’re used to someone always telling them what to do next and how to do it.
⇢ Become easily bored
Again, they have no idea what to do, how to entertain themselves, or how to be alone. So, they are immediately coming to you, saying they are bored…and looking for guidance.
⇢ Become incredibly needy
Suddenly they are entirely insecure. This is a new situation, and they don’t know how to handle themselves. So, they’re whiny or clinging to you. Or maybe they’re hoovering.
⇢ Won’t let you get your work done
Because, again, now they’re feeling insecure. They need you; your guidance, your support, the sense of security they get from having you near.
And then you become frustrated. All you want is to get some work done! Or to go for a run. Maybe clean that bathroom (finally!) or cook your poor, starving family some dinner.
And they.just.will.not.leave.you.alone to get it done.
I’m going to help you fix that.
You should encourage your child to play alone because independent play teaches important skills
When your child plays by herself, she spends time practicing the skills she’s learned throughout the day – without your intervention or guidance.
Practicing these skills is important. Children perfect everything they learn in the exact same way we do – by practicing. They don’t just learn how to stop fighting the first time they are presented with the opportunity to fight; they have to practice solving disagreements.
Likewise, they don’t just know how to be creative the first time they face a problem; they have to practice problem-solving.
Playing by themselves gives them the space to practice these – and many other – skills.
Independent play creates kids who are:
⇢ Free thinkers
They know how to spend time alone, are comfortable with themselves and their thoughts, and can stand for their own values and beliefs. These kids don’t go with the flow or do what everyone else is doing just to save face. They know how to think for themselves.
⇢ Problem-solvers
Without mom and dad hovering and telling them what to do all of the time, these kids are left alone to figure it out. This exercises their brain and problem-solving capabilities. They learn to think outside of the box as well.
⇢ Creative
With no outside influence, kids are left to follow their own passions and desires. Oftentimes, parents will “teach” kids the “right way to play”. For instance, toy trains drive along the track; they don’t fly in the air. But a child who plays independently sees no limits to what can be accomplished or created.
⇢ Socially mature
Because kids spend time alone, they are able to practice all of the skills listed above. This makes them more socially mature than other kids their age – they already have a good handle on the skills their peers are still trying to learn.
Kids who excel at independent play grow up to be leaders in society
If you give your child room to play independently, your child will grow up to be an innovative adult. She’ll be the one starting and growing businesses, solving world problems, and inventing new technologies.
All because she has learned:
- to think outside the box
- to solve her own problems
- and to get started on her own
We, as moms, are doing our children a disservice if we do not encourage independent play.
How to encourage independent play
Have I convinced you to let your child play alone yet? 😁
There are many good reasons why we should encourage independent play, and it sounds good in theory, but how do we actually get it done? Especially if our kids aren’t used to playing alone?
1. Start by knowing what’s age appropriate
My twins are seven years old, and they play by themselves all day long. They don’t need me to entertain them. They don’t ask for me to play with them unless they are in the mood for a board game. And they very rarely use the words “I’m bored”.
[Which, side note: boredom is good for kids! Don’t let it scare you! Let them work through it.]
But not all kids are created equal. A three-year-old is not going to be able to play by herself all day long. It’s not age-appropriate.
So, the first step to encouraging independent play is knowing what your child should be capable of. From six months old to about two years, it’s rough! Kids at this age are not able to entertain themselves for very long.
But the time span significantly improves as kids hit three and four. Kids can generally play for an hour – sometimes two – at three and four years old. And by five, hopefully, they’ll be playing all day! 🤞🏻
Check out the chart below to see where your child is, developmentally. Then you need to set your expectations around that.
If you have a two-year-old, and you have been frustrated because she hasn’t been able to give you an hour to yourself, then it might help to know that she, developmentally speaking, is really only capable of entertaining herself for a half-hour at a time. 😉
Once we know what our kids are capable of doing, then we can go about teaching them to do it.
2. Next, start young, if you can
The best thing you can do is introduce independent play to your child as an infant. That way, your child gets used to it and the concept grows with your child.
For instance, tummy time is independent playtime!! (And here you thought it was just to develop stronger muscles and fine motor skills! 🤣 😂 )
Put a few toys in front of your baby and put her on her tummy. She won’t last long – you’ll be lucky if you get more than five minutes out of it. But it’s teaching her a new skill and concept, and that is what matters.
You can also put your baby in a bouncy chair, highchair, playpen, swing, or any other form of equipment to entertain your child.
Doing this teaches her to be away from you for a few minutes and to entertain herself during that time. You definitely need to be near, for safety reasons, but try to stay out of eyesight. Or, at least, not right in her face. She needs to get comfortable being by herself.
You can ease her anxiety by talking or singing to her while she plays. That way, she hears your voice and knows you are near.
As your baby grows, she’ll be able to handle longer and longer amounts of time by herself. So, start with five minutes and slowly increase it according to the chart above.
3. Be prepared to build up time slowly
If you missed the boat when your child was an infant, it’s okay! Your child can still learn how to play by himself.
To teach older children to play independently, you need to introduce the concept to them in small bursts. If playing alone is entirely new to your child, he won’t be able to handle it for long. Think of that baby; at an infant stage, he can only handle five minutes.
At the beginning stage, your child will only be able to handle five or ten minutes as well, regardless of how old he is.
So, introduce the concept and help him get used to the idea the same way you would a baby; give him a few ideas to get started with and tell him he needs to play by himself for just a few minutes.
Stay near, but off-limits. As your child is able to master the skill, increase the time he needs to play by himself. Start slowly and gradually build up to his age-appropriate ability.
4. Add independent playtime into your daily sahm routine
The best way to encourage independent play is to build it into your daily routine.
Set your child up for independent play at certain periods throughout the day. And do the same thing, before, during, and after these independent play times, every single day. That way your child becomes used to it and can master the skill.
If you are introducing independent play for the first time, you can start small, by making yourself “off-limits” while you sweep the floor or do the dishes. As your child masters the skill, you can tell your child to ‘go play’ while you work or partake in self-care activities, such as exercise.
There are three things you want to be very consistent about when you build independent play into your daily routine:
💥 Doing the same activities in the same order every day
For instance, after breakfast, I do the dishes and sweep the floor. At this time, my kids play by themselves. I have encouraged it since they were babies.
But before breakfast, we snuggle. And after I get the dishes done, we play together.
And I keep those things the same, day in and day out: snuggle, eat breakfast, do the dishes, then play.
That way, they get a little mom time before and after independent play and they feel secure in that. It happens every single day. So, it makes it easier for them to leave mom alone while she does the dishes.
💥 Setting strict boundaries
Make yourself “off-limits” during this time. Seriously.
My kids are seven now, so during this time, I help with very little. They are expected to go play and totally leave me alone until I’m done with the dishes.
That means I don’t help them work out any fights. I don’t get stuff for them. And I do not interrupt my activity to redirect theirs. I encourage total self-sufficiency.
I do this because I want them to try to solve their own problems during this time. And I do this because I want to teach them that I am not available during this time; particularly because if I am working, I don’t like to be interrupted every two minutes for such small things that they could figure out on their own. 🤣 😂 I lose my train of thought then!
Of course, you need to keep in mind your child’s developmental stage and age appropriateness. My kids are seven now, so they can handle taking care of their own needs for a few minutes. A two or three-year-old would not be able to.
Also, you do still need to be available to intervene if needed. I like to encourage my kids to work it out themselves, but sometimes it escalates and they just cannot. You need to always keep an ear out and be aware of your child’s warning signs… and intervene before it gets out of control.
💥 Staying true to your word
If you tell your child that you will play with her as soon as you are done doing the dishes, then you need to play with her as soon as you are done doing the dishes.
You cannot pass go and you cannot collect $200.
You need to teach your child that she can trust you; that you do what you say you will do. That often means giving her immediate attention just as soon as independent playtime is over.
Even better, build it into your daily routine so that she comes to expect it.
I’ll go more into this in the next step.
5. Add playtime with mommy into your daily routine
Here’s the thing about children: they need attention.
And kids are GREAT at getting their needs met.
If they do not get the attention that they need from you, they will demand it. And they do this by being naughty.
So, go on the offensive and schedule in playtime – together – on a daily basis. It truly does curb naughty behavior. And, if you can spend time with your kids, particularly before and after independent playtime, they come to know and trust that you will do that, and they leave you alone during their independent playtime.
Your kids will demand your attention if they don’t get enough of it
When my kids were little, we snuggled every morning, played together every morning, read stories after lunch, snuggled after nap time, played together every afternoon, played together every evening, and read together before bed.
It sounds like a lot, I know. But I also went for runs, cleaned the house, baked, made home-cooked suppers, and gardened. Not to mention, blogged! 🤣 😂 In between all of the playtime, I slowly taught them to play by themselves.
And I got stuff done.
Now, they play all day and I get stuff done. And at the end of the day, we come together to play. But that wouldn’t have been possible if I wouldn’t have built up to that.
So, schedule time every day with your kids. Give them the attention they need, so that when you are off-limits, they learn to leave you alone.
Kids who have not gotten the attention they need will bother you when they are supposed to be playing alone. They hover over you while you work, constantly tattle-tell on their siblings, and need your help for every little thing.
They might whine, complain and continuously ask you when you will be done. All you have to do to avoid it is to schedule time together into your daily routine and stick to it.
And then keep your promises.
How to encourage independent play: bonus tips
Here are a couple more mom hacks that can help you get the most out of independent playtime, momma!
1. Resist the urge to interrupt or join in on their play
I know it’s hard. They’re adorable when they are playing nicely. But resist you must.
Some moms feel the need to join in or to ‘teach’ the ‘right way’ to play. If you do this, you are telling your child that:
- they don’t know how to play
- they are doing it all wrong
- you have no trust in their abilities
Other moms interrupt because they feel guilty, letting their children entertain themselves. Hopefully, by the end of this post, you will be able to let go of that guilt, because independent playtime is soooo important for your kids!!
2. End the independent playtime while everyone is still happy
I used to work alongside a recreational therapist; we taught social skills groups together. And I learned so many amazingly wonderful tricks from him! But the one that has always stuck with me is to end it on a happy note.
Why?
When we were kids, our parents let us play until the play ended naturally – in a fight. That’s usually when they intervened and redirected us.
But if you end it on a happy note, before the fight breaks out, then everyone walks away all smiles. It was great fun!
And the next time you suggest that they go do whatever activity it was that they were doing, they remember how much fun they had! And they are excited to go play that again.
But, if you let it end in a fight, then the next time you suggest they go do that activity, they will remember being pummeled by their brother. And they won’t want to go do that activity, because being pummeled by their brother is not fun.
It’s pretty easy to end the play. Just redirect them into another activity or game and continue letting them play independently. 😁
Or, you could transition into something entirely different, such as doing chores, homeschooling, going somewhere, or spending time together.
Toy tricks for extending independent play
There are a few little tricks I’ve picked up over the years with my boy’s toys… things you can do to encourage them to play just a little bit longer.
💥 Keep the play area clean and organized
Kids can become overstimulated if there are too many toys, or if the toys are all over the place. They won’t know what to choose and will opt to choose nothing.
Likewise, if there is a huge mess, they will have no room to play. So again, they will opt not to. And then they will come to seek you out.
Keep the area clean and tidy. Be sure all toys are age-appropriate and easily accessible. And teach your child to put the toys where they belong when playtime is done.
💥 Rotate toys to keep them fresh and exciting
My kids have a big toy kitchen and a big train table. And I’d move them from room to room. Because I’m weird, 🤪 I generally moved them with each new season.
So, at Christmas time, the train table would move downstairs and the kitchen into their bedroom. In the spring, the train table might go in the living room and the kitchen to the basement, and in the summer, the train table might end up in their bedroom and the kitchen in the living room.
It sounds crazy, I know, but moving toys around like this – especially the big items – makes them new again! Kids love playing with an old toy in a new setting. And it’ll entertain them for hours.
💥 Put baskets of toys in each room
This works especially well for kids two and under. When you are be-bopping around the house and trying to get things done, your kids have to come with you, from room to room, because they can’t be left unsupervised.
So, I kept a basket of toys in every room – even the big boy’s rooms. That way, when we entered, there would be toys in that room for my boys to play with. And the best part is, they only got to play with these toys while in that room, so the toys were always new and exciting to them!
That made independent play fun for them and it made it easier for me to get my work done.
💥 Create a special basket of toys for moments of desperation
Moments of desperation could be when you have a big project due – or you’re cooking a special dinner. Pretty much anytime that you are meeting a deadline and are totally stressed out. You don’t want to be interrupted during times like these.
So, you need to take out the big guns – a basket of very.special.toys that never gets played with, except for in moments of desperation. You keep this basket someplace inaccessible to the children and you make these moments of desperation few and far between.
That way, they are so pumped to play when you pull it down, and you get your time alone.
But be sure to put really cool toys in it. And remember, kids out-grow toys quickly, so add new age-appropriate toys as needed. Or the basket will not be so cool anymore.
💥 Create a list of activities they can do by themselves
Again, keep this list of fun activities for only moments of desperation. I used to have a few go-to activities when I desperately needed to get supper cooked by a certain time.
These were often things like ‘cooking’ with my real pots and pans. I’d hand the boys a box of Kix or Cheerios and let them dump and pour! They loved it!
Another fun one is ice cubes. Put some beach towels down on the floor and fill a pot up with ice cubes. Toss them a couple of plastic cups and some spoons and let them cook while you do!
Creating a list of quick and fun activities that they can do on their own will give you a few extra minutes to get your stuff done.
💥 Clean and organize all of their toys
Get down and dirty – clean out that toy box, all the toy bins, shelves, everything. Empty it all out and reorganize. Throw away broken toys. Get rid of toys that they’ve outgrown. And return everything back to its rightful spot.
Because you know…kids never put things where they belong when they are cleaning up.
So, if you can do a deep clean, and everything is back where it belongs, they can find all of the pieces again! And suddenly everything is fun and new again! 😂 🤣
I don’t understand it…but my boys could play for HOURS after I cleaned and organized their toys. It’s like they suddenly ‘rediscovered’ toys they had long forgotten.
It’s best to do it right before you need a few hours to yourself because they’re sure to leave you alone. 😁
💥 Put some toys in storage
I had a place under my steps where I stored toys. My boys had a lot of toys and there was no way they could play with them all. So, I stored some.
And every so often, I’d rotate them. I pull the ones in storage out and put something else into storage. This keeps the toys brand new!!
I never put their absolute favorites in storage, because that is just devastating to a child.
But I will put ‘sets’ in storage – Legos, Marble Racers, trains, cars, Light Brites, fort sets, etc. I also put bigger toys in storage, such as big cars, ships, trucks, etc. It’s always fun to pull these things back out again.
At the end of the day…
At the end of the day, momma, playing with your kids is important but teaching them how to play by themselves is important too! Your kids learn problem-solving skills, social skills, and creativity by spending time in independent play.
Kids who master independent play become thought leaders, free thinkers, and innovative adults. They are responsible, mature, creative and everyone likes them!
Because they practice all of these skills – and so much more – when engaging in independent play.
However, teaching kids to play by themselves is not easy. Just remember to know what is age-appropriate for your child, start young, slowly add in more alone time, and create a routine.
And if you have any questions or need help along the way, just pop them in the comments below! I’m happy to help!
More on getting stuff done as a stay at home mom
How to be a Stay at Home Mom: A Completely Honest Guide to Becoming a Sahm
The Secret to a Great Stay at Home Mom Schedule
How to Create the Best Work from Home Mom Schedule